Ship War
by Dragon'sHost
Summary: Kinana makes the poor choice of criticizing Mirajane's ships within the woman's earshot. And now must come up with her own (with more than a little help) in order to compete with the matchmaker and hopefully avoid the looming punishment game awaiting the loser. CoLu Week 2015. Day 5: Rumors.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is the next prompt! And of course it's going to be multiple chapters.**

 **Sorry folks – no actual CoLu to be had in the first chapter. But I promise it will get there. Eventually.**

 **Day 4: Rumors**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

A high pitched squeal erupted to Kinana's left, a sound so common to the purple-haired barmaid that it no longer startled her in the least. She sighed, continuing to wipe down the bar's countertop. Years of working at Fairy Tail had inured her to a lot of oddities surrounding her fellows there, but no matter how much time passed she could never quite understand her coworker's obsession with this thing called, "shipping."

Out of the corner of her eye, Kinana could see that Mirajane had ceased working. Fervently clutching her cleaning rag, coos of adoration were emanating from the Take Over Mage.

Kinana wondered which of the woman's would-be couples was having a "moment" this time. Honestly, this was getting a little out of hand! The demon mage would spend all of her time planning her schemes how to get her parings together, regardless of how the individuals themselves might feel about the subject. Also, Kinana was worried about her friend – this seemed to be taking over her life. Mirajane appeared to do aught else in her spare time other than fawn over her matches and plot ways to bring them into reality. Supposedly for the sake of babies to spoil.

Shaking her head, Kinana sighed once more. This seriously did not seem healthy to her.

Zeroing in on discontentment with a terrifying, preternatural accuracy, Mirajane sidled up to her coworker. "Is something the matter, Kinana?"

Chagrined at being caught, Kinana shook her head again. "No, not in particular. Thanks for asking, though."

The eldest Strauss sibling fixed her friend with a flat, disbelieving stare so out of place on her normally smiling visage, it had Kinana in a cold sweat. This… this was not good. "Really, Mira! I'm fine! Um…" Desperately, she tried to find a way to distract the demon mage's attention from her. "Which… which ship were you so excited about just now?"

Delight filled Mirajane's lapis eyes, causing them to sparkle with the sheer glee that coursed through her veins. "It was NaLu!" she trilled in happiness. "Natsu just stole Lucy's ribbon and tied it on Happy's head!"

Kinana… wasn't entirely certain how that counted as a romantic moment.

Her confusion must have shown on her face, for Mirajane then pointed at the partners. "See? Now she's chasing them around! Don't they make such an adorable little family?!"

Glancing over, Kinana observed as Lucy ran down her teammates and tackled them to the ground in a bid to recover her favorite red ribbon. Nothing about the altercation or the rage on Lucy's face seemed in any way a friendly interaction between the three.

Pity shone in Kinana's viridian orbs as she watched Lucy huff and stomp off to sit with Levy, ribbon firmly within her possession once again. The blue Exceed and salmon-haired Dragon Slayer lay in a groaning heap where Lucy had left them. "I don't know, Mira," she found herself saying. Unable to stop herself, she continued, "I think you're seeing something that… that… that doesn't exist."

Well. Now she'd said it.

Timidly, Kinana turned her head to look at her silent coworker. Mirajane's gaze was fixed upon the pair in question, glancing between them with a calculating gleam in her eyes. The white-haired woman then looked at Kinana. "Why do you think they wouldn't make a good couple?" she inquired, curious as to what was wrong with her matchmaking.

Kinana gulped, nervous sweat again breaking out on her brow. She tried to stay out of the craziness involved in most of the guild's daily workings, but she might have just placed herself right into the thick of it this time. "I just… I just don't," Kinana stated weakly, shrinking under Mirajane's intense stare.

"But why?" Mirajane asked, honestly perplexed by how Kinana couldn't seem to see what was so patently obvious to her. "Please, tell me why you think that. I'm not angry at you for disagreeing – just curious is all."

A shaky laugh warbled its way out of Kinana's throat. "Um… o-okay. Let me think for a second." When Mirajane nodded, Kinana swept her jadeite gaze across the guild once more. Lucy was fuming and venting at Levy, while the bluenette fixed her friend's side ponytail. Natsu, on the other side of the guild, was challenging Gray to another fight.

Licking her dry lips, Kinana then absently chewed on one, deep in her thoughts. Not only was she processing what she was seeing before her, she was also contemplating what she could recall of the partners' previous interactions. When she felt she was ready, she faced Mirajane once again. "Okay. I think I've got it."

Mirajane nodded at her enthusiastically to continue.

"I think they're just friends," Kinana confessed. "Like Natsu and Gray are. They like to tease each other, but that's pretty normal for close friendships. And I don't think Natsu respects Lucy's boundaries enough to make a relationship work with her. Also… Lucy has a hard time telling when she's going above Natsu's head which is a bit frustrating for him." She shrugged lightly. "That's pretty much it, really."

"I see," Mirajane acknowledged, eyes flicking over Natsu and Lucy briefly. "But shouldn't love be able to overcome minor obstacles like that? Also, having different interests isn't exactly a bad thing! It might be boring if they loved the exact same things, right?"

Kinana pursed her lips. "No, I don't believe so," she asserted. "It's fine to like and enjoy things that are different from your partner's likes and interests, but it's another to not respect them. I'm not sure this is minor, either. Lucy adores books and talking about books, and Natsu feels the same way about fighting. If they can't communicate well on things like that – and you've seen how explosive their arguments can get – how are they going to do so about the other things that come with being in a relationship? You can't just assume that love will make everything work out perfectly; it doesn't happen like that. I wish it did, but relationships need a lot of effort put into them. My boyfriend and I don't have a perfect relationship either, but we work hard and when we're able to resolve our issues, I fall just a little bit more for him. I don't see that happening with Natsu and Lucy."

It was true that her relationship with Dobengal had its ups and downs. The downs, though, came most often in the form of Erik being a bit of an overprotective best friend. Scratch that – a _very_ overprotective best friend. Also, in keeping their relationship a bit of a secret from their guilds. Kinana was fairly certain that everyone believed she was dating Erik – a falsehood that Erik was only too happy to perpetuate because it kept the more perverted males in the guild from unduly bothering his best friend.

"Lastly… I think you need actual love to be present. I don't think they love each other as more than friends." Then Kinana sighed. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

The other barmaid shook her head. "No, I get what you're saying. Communication is the foundation for any relationship, not just romantic ones. I think Natsu and Lucy have what it takes to make it work, though. I mean, they've been partners for years so they must be able to resolve their differences _somehow_ ," she stated, adamant in her ship's validity. "But now you have me wondering about your opinion on the other ships!"

Dread settled in Kinana's stomach. "I don't really like speculating on the love lives of my friends, Mira. It kind of makes me feel like I'm intruding on something I shouldn't."

"Nonsense!" Mirajane said cheerfully. "We're just looking out for their future happiness is all!"

"How is that different from being a busybody…?" Kinana wanted to know.

"It's completely different!" the barmaid declared, though she offered no examples or explanations as to why that was. "Tell you what!" With a gleam in her eye that did not ease Kinana's churning stomach, she suggested, "Why don't you come up with alternate ships! I'm sure you know all of mine by now… so just figure how who _you_ think would go best together! And then we can compare!" Nearly jumping up and down, Mirajane squealed with excitement at her idea. "This will be so much fun!"

Kinana had the sinking feeling that if she refused, the consequences would be dire.

Maybe Erik could help her out with this. If he was in a generous mood.

Though that involved contacting him on the communications lacrima and explaining how she'd gotten herself into this predicament…

He was going to laugh at her. She just knew it.

"Oh!" Mirajane added as an afterthought, "No asking your boyfriend for help! That's cheating!"

That was not going to be an issue. Erik was not Kinana's boyfriend, after all.

"What's this?" Cana deposited herself upon a nearby barstool, leaning in eagerly. "I heard something about cheating?"

Oh, no. Kinana was already embarrassed enough about being sucked into this endeavor, there was no way –

"Kinana and I are having a friendly competition with our ships!" Mirajane explained cheerfully.

Cana's eyes glittered with mischievousness, and her entire face lit up like only alcohol and gambling could make it. "Really? Well, why not make a _friendly_ wager for this _friendly_ competition? It'll only make things more profita – I mean… interesting. Fun. Yeah."

Mirajane started nodding along to what the Card Mage was saying. "Yes, I completely agree! That would definitely shake things up a bit!"

Kinana didn't think things needed to be shaken up any more!

Always prepared to take a bet down at a moment's notice, Cana whipped out a notepad from her fuzzy blue purse. "So what are the parameters?"

Tapping a fingertip against her lips, Mirajane contemplated it. "It would be a bit complicated to do a ship for every person… why don't we just list down my main ships, and have you come up with the same number? I would prefer that you include at least half of my people in yours, though."

Cana nodded. "Seems fair to me. Time frame?"

"One week!" Kinana squeaked. "I need time to come up with these!"

Dutifully, Cana scribbled it down. "A bit long, in my opinion. But okay. Now… what are you wagering?"

A sly, wicked smile slowly spread across Mirajane's face. "Kinana introduces her boyfriend to the guild… officially."

Her stomach now residing somewhere in the vicinity of her toes, Kinana swallowed dryly. "I c-can't wager that, Mira," she said. "That's a decision he and I have to make m-mutually."

Mirajane huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. "Fine, then." Idly, she tapped a long, delicate finger on her arm. "Alright then, how about this: I list my favorite ships right now. Then you have a week to come up with the same number of ships. Then we present them to the guild, and the members vote based on our justifications for them!"

"I like it!" Cana said, jotting it all down.

"Wait!" Kinana protested. "But that… that doesn't even make sense! What if there are no people in common for the ships?!"

Nodding, Mirajane acknowledged her reasoning. "Good point."

With a sigh of relief, Kinana thought, _'Great. Maybe we can call this whole thing off, then.'_

Tossing her hair over her shoulder, Cana smirked at the pair. "How about this – Kinana makes her ships based off of one individual in each of Mirajane's. There! Problem solved."

The white-haired woman clapped her hands enthusiastically. "Yes! That's perfect!"

Under her breath, Cana muttered, "And I can rake in the dough on bets for who Kinana chooses _and_ the outcome. Plus reactions."

"Wait… no!" Kinana said, starting to get desperate. "There are so many problems with this! Won't the guild members get mad that we're plotting out their romantic lives? And I don't want to… to get up in front of all them, and say that I've been thinking that deeply about their personal affairs!" The very thought of it terrified her.

Cana laughed loudly, and then chugged back a bottle of wine. "You'll do fine," the Card Mage reassured the nearly-in-tears girl once the bottle was empty. She tossed the bottle somewhere over her shoulder, clocking Vijeeter in the head and causing him to topple off the table he was dancing upon. Falling onto Warren, a fight soon broke out between the pair and spread like wildfire on dry tinder to the rest of the guild.

Gently, Mirajane patted Kinana's shoulder. "They won't mind. It'll be entertaining for everyone. Even Lucy should get a kick out of it!"

Kinana had no doubt that Lucy was definitely going to kick _someone_. The lavendette just hoped that someone wouldn't end up being _her_.

* * *

 **LET THE SHIP WAR BEGIN.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to give you guys' two chapters for this one today, since CoLu has yet to appear in either of them. Also, they're both kind of short. ...And Family might be a bit late in posting tomorrow**

 **But what this does have is PLENTY of Crime Sorciere friendship!**

 **I'm wondering if I shouldn't up the rating due to all the swearing...**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

Kinana sat upon her bed in Fairy Hills with the door firmly locked, barred, and otherwise barricaded against white-haired, demon-barmaid eavesdroppers. With her communications lacrima resting on the mattress in front of her, she puffed out her cheeks in irritation at the image within the crystal. "It's not that funny, Erik!"

On the other side of the connection, a maroon haired man with dark skin, pointed ears, and a startling scar over one of his eyes laughed uproariously at the predicament his best friend had gotten herself into. In fact, tears were streaming from his only functioning, indigo eye, and he was holding his stomach. He was shaking as harsh guffaws wracked his body. After a few minutes, and with a distinct wheeze as he fought back a second bout of painful laughter, he asked her, "How do you even get yourself into these kinds of situations, Cu?!"

The use of the old nickname had her cheeks flaming. "You act like I've done this before!"

"Maybe not this, specifically, but close enough. Remember the last time you visited us in person, and you let Meredy pull you into a candy eating contest?" he reminded her, still chortling.

 _Oh, yes._ Kinana remembered that incident well. She had been out for the count _long_ before her competitor, and not to mention had gotten very, very ill from all the confections. Several months later, and she _still_ couldn't look at a lollipop without rushing to the restroom. How it was that the Sensory mage had managed to pack away so many sugary treats into her tiny form was a mystery - but not as a big a one as to how the woman managed to avoid cavities with lack of access to reliable dental facilities. As it was, Wendy was still scolding and inspecting Kinana's mouth on a regular basis. "Look, if you're not going to help me out, I'm just going to hang up!"

"Wait, wait!" he implored, trying to compose himself. "I'll help! Goddamn, this is just too funny!" With a cough, the man managed to pull himself together. Mostly. A slap-happy grin full of extra-sharp canines spread across his face.

There was also a malicious twinkle in his eye that Kinana wasn't certain she liked or trusted.

"So, do you have any idea what you're going to do for your ships?" Erik asked.

"Not a single clue!" the purple-haired woman lamented, flopping backwards onto her mattress. Holding the lacrima aloft so Erik could still see her, she continued, "I really don't have any idea where to begin!"

Erik shook his head in exasperation. "Good grief. Let's just start with what her pairings are, and then go from there."

"Hey, what's going on?" A white-haired woman elbowed her way into the lacrima frame. "Why were you laughing so hard…? Care to share with the class - Oh! Kinana! Hello!"

"Hi, Sorano," she greeted.

Sorano smiled at her comrade's best friend. "Of, course, who else should I have expected? You're the only one that tolerates _him._ "

"Hey! Plenty of people like me!"

"Pretty sure it's only Kinana. No offense meant to _you_ , honey. Just Erik."

"And yet insult was still meant," Erik grumbled.

"Kinana?!" came a high-pitched squeal.

"What… hey!" Erik shouted, as a woman with pink hair muscled her way into the frame as well. "Do you two mind?!"

"Oh, be quiet, Erik," the pinkette dismissed him. "Kinana! We haven't talked in forever! How are you?"

"Hello, Meredy," Kinana replied, with a sweatdrop.

"Stop hijacking my lacrima!"

"Shut the fuck up, Erik," Sorano growled at her comrade. "We never get to talk to her. You're always hogging her!"

The dark skinned man sputtered. "But you do this every damn time! Every. Goddamn. Fucking. Time!"

Somewhere behind the trio came a groan. "Erik! Just give up already!" Macbeth called out, sounding exhausted. "You're never going to win!"

"That's right," Sorano said smugly. Then she redirected her attention to Kinana. "So? How are you doing?"

Beside them, Erik rolled his eye and sighed.

"I'm doing fine," Kinana reassured them, sweat-dropping at Erik's put-out expression. "I just… I did get myself into a bit of a…"

"Ship war," Erik stated flatly.

Sorano cuffed him.

"Ouch!"

"Don't interrupt. You were saying, Kinana?"

Erik growled at the white-haired woman. "You fucking crazy bitch, why the fuck would you –" He dodged another incoming blow – one slightly more lethal than the previous hit. "Ha! Missed me!"

Ignoring him, she returned her attention to the woman on the other end of the lacrima. "A ship war, huh?"

Meredy squealed excitedly. "I'm so happy to hear that you're getting into shipping! But ship wars are bad!" she scolded. "They can tear apart entire fandoms and friendships."

Kinana groaned. "Trust me, this wasn't my idea. I have to come up with alternate ships to Mirajane's, and invent justifications for them, too!"

Pouting, Meredy hung her head. "Sorry, I would love to help but I pretty much ship the same as Mirajane…"

"I don't," Sorano interjected with a smirk. "I would be happy to help you come up with some. Justification can come later."

In the background, Erik shook his head. "I don't think it works like that," he muttered.

"If it has to do with love, I shall gladly lend my assistance as well!" Richard declared.

"Eh, I'll help, too. For whatever it's worth," Sawyer offered.

Jellal chuckled somewhere nearby. "Glad to see you all pulling together to help her out."

"Not me," Macbeth said. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Like that surprises anyone." Sarcasm positively dripped from Sawyer's words.

"Fuck off."

"Back to the actual problem," Erik said, leaning heavily on the two women so he could see the lacrima properly. "What ships are we altering, here?"

"Okay – I need to pick one person from each ship, and find a new one for them," Kinana explained. When they all nodded, she told them, "The ships are: Gruvia, Jerza, GaLe, StinErva, RoKino, ElfGreen, MaxLaki, Laxana, RoWen, and NaLu." Oh, how Cana had laughed at her own ship.

"RoKino had better not be what I think it is," Sorano hissed softly, one eyebrow twitching.

"What the fuck are those?" Sawyer muttered.

"Ship names!" Meredy called over her shoulder to the mage. Turning back to the lacrima, she shook her head sadly. "So Gray and Juvia are up first, huh? It kind of makes me sad, but I guess if it's for you, Kinana… I'll let it go for now…"

Kinana gave her friend a sympathetic look. "I'm really sorry about this, Meredy. I'm not doing this to hurt you – Mira just sort of sucked me into it…"

"It's okay. Thank you for understanding, though." The pinkette smiled brilliantly at her distant friend.

"Well, this ship is easy," Sorano stated. " _I'll_ fucking take Gray." When the others stared at her, she shrugged. "What? He's hot – relatively speaking – strong, and he was fairly decent to me during our confrontation during the Infinity Clock thing three years ago. Fuck yeah, I'm interested. See? You even have your justification for it, already!"

Meredy looked like her world had just collapsed around her ears.

"Now look what you've done, Sorano!" Erik groaned. "You fucking broke the pink demon!"

"Meredy!" the Celestial Mage cried. "I'm sorry!"

"I-I'm fine," Meredy said, her eyes slightly glazed over from the shock. "I didn't… I didn't know you felt that way about Gray. Both… both of my friends have crushes on the same guy." She whimpered softly. "Jelly, what do I do?! I want both of them to be happy!"

"How should I know?" Jellal questioned the girl.

"Well... what do you think Ultear would want?!"

" _How the hell should I know?!_ " the bluenette repeated.

Sorano cleared her throat awkwardly. "Um… if it makes you feel any better – Juvia and I could always share him. I mean, Juvia's not half bad. I could work with that."

A keening wail erupted from Meredy's mouth.

Erik suddenly swore. "Shit! Fuck! Shut up, Sorano! You're just making it worse!" He violently flinched. "Goddammit, now she's fucking imagining it! Why the fuck would you do that, Sorano?! Why?!"

She shrugged noncommittally.

Kinana rubbed her forehead, sitting up. Grabbing paper and pen she wrote down "Sorano x Gray. Justification... Sorano is already interested." The barmaid was just going to have to work with that for now. Actually, when she thought about it... that was pretty much the only justification Mirajane had for Juvia with Gray. Gray himself had never given any indication that he was interested in anyone so far as Kinana could tell. "Why don't we move on, then?" she suggested.

Meredy, sniffling, began to calm down a bit. "Next up was Jerza, right? So…" Hiccups started coming from the girl. "Don't… don't mind me," she said. "I'm just… my precious ships…"

Pity flowed through Kinana for her shipper friend. The poor girl had the disease just as bad as Mirajane, and had been shipping Jellal and Erza together much harder and longer than even the Take Over Mage herself had. This was going to be rough on her.

Suddenly, Erik grinned at the lacrima, a feral gleam in his eye.

Kinana's heart dropped. _No._ He wasn't going to suggest himself and Erza like Sorano did, was he…? Erik didn't have a death wish, right?

"No, Cu – and I may not be able to hear your thoughts over this thing but it's written all over your face," he explained when she internally started panicking. "But I know _exactly_ what pairing you should go with for this one!" His grin widened even further, dark glee suffusing his very being. "Erza and… _Macbeth_."

" _What?_ " came Jellal's decidedly unamused response.

"What?!" sputtered Macbeth in the background.

"Don't even deny it!" Erik crowed with malicious delight. "You've been fantasizing about that psychotic, redheaded, hammer-wielding monster for _years_. Ever since Nirvana!"

"Oh really?" Jellal hissed. "Have you now."

"No! He's fucking lying! Erik, you asshole! Why the fuck would you do this to me?!"

Ignoring him, Erik tapped his open palm with one finger with great insistence. "What are you waiting for? Write this shit down. This is fucking gold!"

"Richard! Help me restrain Jellal!" Sawyer shouted. "Dude, don't kill him! He's never made a move on her!"

"This is not the true way of love!"

Meredy sobbed quietly in the background, again conflicted in which friend to support in their love lives.

That was when Kinana realized something very important.

All of her friends were insane.

* * *

 **Seemed a good spot to leave it.**

 **I have way too much fun writing Crime Sorciere and their interactions.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this is so late, guys! To make up for it, it's a bit longer than the last one.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.**

* * *

Kinana scribbled "Macbeth x Erza" into her notebook, ignoring the chorus of screams the lacrima next to her was emitting. Beside it, she added the reasoning of "long-standing crush," a scuffle breaking out amongst her distant friends in a desperate bid to keep their leader from dismembering Macbeth.

The purple-haired woman set down her pen, her verdant green eyes returning to the lacrima. Erik collapsed on the ground, the lacrima beside him, as he roared with laughter. Copious amounts of tears were leaking from his good eye. He was shaking so hard from his mirth that he didn't seem to even have the strength to hold the communication device let alone keep himself upright. Or even the ability to properly breathe.

Behind the maroon-haired man, Kinana could faintly make out the sight of a hysterically sobbing Meredy, and Jellal finally being subdued.

As Erik's laughter finally started to die off, so did the commotion from the others. Meredy notwithstanding. She was still sobbing uncontrollably over the plight of Jerza.

Kinana couldn't help but wonder if Macbeth had been telling the truth about Erza. It would not exactly be surprising for Erik to lie about it for his own amusement. People tended to trust that the secrets the mind-reader revealed were the truth. But Kinana had known Erik for quite a long time (even if she didn't actually recall the majority of it). Erik was just as likely to tell the truth as make something up for the purpose of entertainment.

Erik sat up, able to grip the lacrima once more and exert proper motor function. "GaLe is next," she informed the group, once they had sufficiently regained their wits.

"You're sunk, that one's legitimate," he informed her, with a final chortle.

Behind him, Meredy let out a whooping cheer in celebration, forgetting her tears for the moment. "My ship has gone canon!"

"I'm so fucking confused," Sawyer muttered. "I thought cannons were bad things for ships?"

"Only for crackships!"

"...Fuck, it's like you're speaking another language altogether..."

"Although," Erik added with an amused glimmer in his eye, "since you have to come up with something else... why not have fun with it?"

Freezing in her tracks, Meredy looked pensive. "Honestly you could ship Levy with just about any other brainiac," she reasoned. "I considered shipping her with both Hibiki and Freed at some time or another... Rufus, too." Then the Maguilty Mage giggled. "Even Laxus, Jet, Droy, and Lucy at one point!"

The others stared at her.

Noticing their heavy looks, she shrugged. "I ship Gajeel and Levy together pretty hard, but it's not one of my OTP's. I multi-ship Levy."

Sawyer was just descending further and further into the pit of confusion. "OTP? Multi-ship?"

Patting the man on the back, Meredy consoled him, "Don't worry. I'll explain it to you later."

Erik rolled his eye at the exchange. "Everyone will expect one of those ships, though. Why don't you do one that's completely off the wall?"

Sorano brightened. "Yeah! Since we can, let's just go crazy with this!"

"Kind of a short trip," Erik observed.

"I vote Levy and Sawyer!"

Again, the guild mates collectively stared at the brilliantly smiling pinkette.

Kinana vaguely wondered if they were all going to suggest themselves as the replacement ships for this entire challenge.

Sorano broke the silence with a simple, "Are you high, Meredy?"

The pinkette blinked in confusion at her friend. "Huh?"

"What other explanation exists for shipping adorable little Levy with… _that?_ "

"Hey!" Sawyer protested.

"I mean," Sorano continued, as if Sawyer hadn't said anything at all, "have they even met?"

"I have so met her, you fucking seagull!" Sawyer proclaimed. "Once! We spoke! She congratulated me after I beat Jet in a race!"

"Seems tenuous," Erik observed.

Meredy shrugged, nonchalant. "I've shipped for less, honestly."

The white-haired woman seemed unconvinced by this logic. "Sawyer's too fucking weird. No one will believe it. Let's do a different ship."

"You're all assholes," the blond grumbled.

Richard gave him a consoling, heavy-handed pat on the back. "There, there," he comforted. "You'll find love someday, oh yeah!"

Clearing her throat, Kinana asked, "Well… any other suggestions, then?"

"I say figure out another ship for Gajeel. Like... Gajeel and Laxus! Now _that_ would be hilarious." Snickers rolled through Sorano's petite frame. "Can you imagine the looks on their faces, if that's the one you go with?!"

The Poison Dragon Slayer high-fived the Celestial Mage. "That sounds perfect!"

Kinana shook her head, fearful sweat beading on her forehead. "Um... I can't do that, guys."

"Why not?"

"They'll kill me." She swallowed thickly, forest-green eyes wide with fright. "They'll totally kill me. Also... I don't have any justification for that."

"You could always say that Gajeel is a lightning rod!" Sorano piped up cheerfully. Then she smirked. "Though maybe Gajeel is the one who'd get a taste of a lightning rod!"

"I _really_ can't say that! They'll _murder_ me!"

After a minute of contemplation, the others agreed. "What about Erza and Gajeel?" Sawyer sniggered.

"What the hell!" Jellal yelled.

"… _What_?" came Meredy's quiet, breathy voice. "Not… no… not another friend after Erza…." If the glistening tears gathering in her eyes were any indication, she was not taking this idea well. "That makes… _three!_ "

"Oh for fuck's sake," Erik grumbled. "Here we go again."

"The first time was _your_ fucking fault!" Sawyer reminded the Dragon Slayer, who shrugged as if it wasn't his problem.

Sorano decided to take up the cause. "Right! Healthy polyamory! Down with love triangles!"

"Technically, it would be a quadrangle in this case," Kinana corrected, giving up on waiting for her friends to come to their senses. May as well join the insanity at this point, she reasoned. She _had_ started the whole thing after all.

"Seriously, can you imagine a fight between Erza and Gajeel, though?" Erik pointed out. "Now _that_ would be fucking _amazing."_

"And hot," Sawyer added. A smack resounded from the crystal. "Ouch! Dammit, what the hell, Sorano! _He_ suggested it first!"

"Yeah, but Erik wasn't thinking like you were." Sniffing haughtily, the woman added, " _He's_ asexual. _You're_ a pervert."

"Does fight potential even count for a ship?" mused Kinana.

"Yup." Erik rolled a shoulder. "It's called a Battle Ship."

"Clever and disturbing. Also, how the hell do you know that?"

"Fucking pay attention more, Sawyer."

Kinana sighed. "But regardless, I still can't do that ship."

"Love for everyone!" Richard declared. "Oh yeah!"

Meredy's instantaneous happiness was offset by Sorano's sudden gloom. "Why?" she moaned. "Why don't you like my ship…?"

"It was mine, actually," Sawyer pointed out.

He was ignored.

"Why not that one, Cu?" Erik inquired.

"Because it's against the rules," she informed him. "No repeats."

"Ah, that makes sense."

"Then Kagura!" Sorano insisted. "She's like Erza but –"

"NOT Erza!" Jellal shouted over Sorano. "Go with that one!"

"You're biased," Erik laughed.

"Guys, again… I have no way of justifying it. Just… let's be serious, please," Kinana begged.

The others grumbled but acquiesced to the exhausted barmaid's request.

"So, what should the pairing be instead?" Sorano muttered. "Is there anyone he even gets along with, aside from his cat and the bookworm?"

Thinking back on the people he interacted with, Kinana was hard pressed to come up with a viable response. There were very few people the Iron Dragon Slayer was close to. She could say Mirajane, for their shared love of music and singing but... Kinana discarded the notion. That ship had almost as much sheer danger potential as Gajeel and Laxus as a pairing. Who in Earthland did Gajeel get along with? Even minutely? Orga was out of the question - the pair would use it as an excuse to perform a duet denouncing it. And no one needed that.

Answer coming to her in a rush of inspiration, Kinana opened her mouth – only to shut it with a hasty snap as she reconsidered. The consequences of this ship would be as dire as Gajeel and Laxus - but for a completely different reason.

Nothing could escape Erik's notice, however. "Kinana?" A knowing smirk graced his face. "Do you have an idea for a ship?"

"Do tell!" Sorano teased, leaning in closer to the lacrima.

"Yes!" Shoving her way between Sorano and Erik, Meredy smiled at Kinana. "What is it?"

"You're... going hate me for this," Kinana whimpered. "But... Gajeel and... and…

"Yeeees?! Tell me!" Meredy demanded.

With a wince, Kinana revealed, "Juvia."

There was a moment of silence, before both Sorano and Erik burst out into fits of laughter.

Meredy sat solidly on the ground, clutching the lacrima. Her eyes were wide and unseeing.

Once Erik's laughter subsided, he waved a mocha-toned hand in front of the pinkette's face. "Meredy? Pink Demon? Tiny Pink Demon?" He plucked the magical crystal out of the catatonic woman's grasp. "Congratulations, Cu. _You've_ broken her, this time."

"I'm so sorry!" the purple-haired woman proclaimed. "It's just that... well Juvia's pretty much his only friend aside from Pantherlily! And they were even close before they joined Fairy Tail, or so I've been told. Juvia also worries about him pretty often, so I figured..."

"It's... it's fine," Meredy said faintly, eyes still not focusing on anything in particular. "I just... give me a few minutes to process this..."

Kinana dutifully wrote down the new ship. "Friends," she wrote beside it. She'd come up with better wording for it later. Though… she had to admit that it was a little uncomfortable to give that as her only reason. After all, everyone assumed she and Erik were dating because of how close their friendship was. And wasn't that the same reasoning she'd rejected in regards to Natsu and Lucy?

"Moving on!" Erik proclaimed, holding the lacrima so that he was the only one in the crystal's view again.

" _You're_ the heartless demon," Sawyer muttered beside him.

"Regardless-"

"He didn't even bother to deny it."

Erik ignored his friend. "The Dim Lightbulb and the Saber-Bitch were next, right?"

"I'm recovered!" Meredy declared, shoving Erik's face aside once more. "I vote for Sting and Yukino! Since Mirajane is going Rogue and Yukino, you should do the opposite!"

"Gmph thh fk fff mhhh!" Erik attempted to shout around Meredy's hand over his mouth, to no avail.

"Erik, stop moving!" the pinkette demanded. "Oh, fine! Move over!" To Erik's great and obvious shock, Meredy climbed into the man's lap with her back against his chest. "There!" she declared. "Now hold the lacrima a little higher!"

Giving up, Erik did as she ordered. He rested his chin atop her hair and let out a long-suffering sigh.

Kinana couldn't help but giggle at the sight. It was always wonderful to see Erik interact like this with his new family.

Then Sorano joined in, leaning against Erik's side with her head on his shoulder. "I have to make my objections known!" the Celestial mage inputted. "Yukino is too pure for a pervert like Sting!"

The Take Over mage was finding it hard to take Sorano seriously when she looked so utterly comfortable imposing on Erik's personal space. And despite the annoyance present in Erik's expression, she knew that he was secretly basking in the attention and affection. He'd been starved of it too much in his life.

"Didn't you hear me?!" Sorano shouted, jolting Kinana out of her thoughts. "Yukino is too good for that buffoon!"

"God fucking dammit did you have to do that right in my ear?!" Erik hissed.

Shaking her head, Kinana frantically waved her hand in front of the lacrima to get the arguing mages' attention. "I'm not doing Sting and Yukino together, Sorano! I promise!"

Meredy's face fell into a pout at being denied yet another of her ships, while Sorano brightened considerably. "Good girl," she said. "So. I take it you have a ship in mind already?"

"Kind of...?" Kinana offered.

"Don't tap-dance around it Cu," Erik demanded. "Tell us already!"

She gulped. "Sting and... Rogue."

Giggles of hilarity erupted from the Celestial mage as she leaned heavily on Erik for support. "I like this one!"

Two thumbs up from Meredy was all the encouragement Kinana needed to scribble it onto her notepad.

"Any particular reason?" Erik offered.

"She can come up with it later, remember?!" Meredy huffed. "Besides, you can ship something just because it's adorable. It's in the guidebook."

"There's a handbook?!" Sawyer exclaimed. "Why didn't you fucking say so, then?! I could have used that a long time ago!"

Erik rolled his eye. "Figure of speech, Speedy."

"What the hell?! Don't get my hopes up, then!"

"What are you going to do about the next pairing, then?" Richard asked.

"It's Rogue and Yukino."

"Right." Richard nodded, resembling nothing so much as a sage brush. "So, due to the no repeating rule, you'll have no choice but to pair off Yukino, then."

An unholy screech burst from Sorano's lips.

"Ow! Fuck you! FUCK. YOU," Erik spat. "My ear! It's sensitive you insane feather duster!"

"You are _not_ pairing Yukino up with anyone!"

"Literally no one but you gives a shit!" the Poison Dragon Slayer informed the distraught woman. "Now can you turn the fucking volume down?!"

"I don't care!" Sorano insisted. "Go back and change Sting's then! Stick him with whomever you want he and Rogue are not sticking anything near my baby sister! Pair Sting up with the old dragon lady, for all I care!"

"...Porlyusica?" Kinana asked, torn between amusement and mild concern. "What about Rogue, then?"

"Again, I don't fucking care! And does it really matter?! Ship him with chocolate cake! No one will question that!"

Given the rate at which the Shadow Dragon Slayer could inhale said confection, Sorano had a point. Rogue's love of chocolate could arguably rival Erza's devotion to strawberry cakes.

But Kinana was beginning to get the hang of this shipping thing. She knew exactly who to pair Yukino with for this contest. "Keep in mind that this isn't real, Sorano," she gently reminded the Celestial mage. "I'm just trying to defeat Mirajane and prove a point. Also, I'm trying to avoid the punishment game..."

"Punishment game?" Erik inquired, eye narrowing at his friend through the lacrima. "You never said anything about a punishment game." When Kinana didn't respond, the stare intensified. "What is the punishment game, Cu?"

Nervous sweat started to drip down Kinana's face. "It's unimportant. Um... next pairing!"

"Hey! No! Tell me! Tell me what they're going to make you do if you lose!" the Dragon Slayer demanded. "Depending upon your answer, I may need to kill someone."

"And you haven't finished with changing this pairing either!" Sorano reminded her with an equal level of insistence.

Kinana shook her head. "Never mind the punishment game, Erik! You're helping me so that I can avoid it entirely, remember? And Sorano... sorry, but I stand by Sting and Rogue for the last one. But don't worry; I think you'll actually be okay with who I'm coupling Yukino with."

"No coupling shall occur!" shouted Sorano.

Meredy squealed in happiness. "I think you're finally getting into this! I'm so excited!"

Erik grumbled unhappily but otherwise backed down. "Fine, whatever. We'll finish this discussion later. Pink Demon, calm down. Feather Duster, shut the fuck up. Continue, Cu."

Macbeth settled in on Erik's other side. "Jellal is taking a short walk to calm down," he explained with a mumble and a yawn. "So what do you have in mind?"

Wondering if the tattooed bluenette was actually doing his rounds like a responsible leader, Kinana said, "Well... I was thinking of pairing Yukino with Natsu."

The ensuing reactions were widely varied and instantaneous.

Macbeth's eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and for once he seemed wide awake. "Well that's an interesting one," he commented.

"Natsu?!" came Sawyer's incredulous voice, proving that he was, indeed, still paying attention to the proceedings. "Why him?!"

"Love is in the air! Oh yeah!" proclaimed Richard. Kinana took that as approval.

Erik seemed amused for some reason, though for once he chose _not_ to remark upon the pairing choice.

However... Meredy and Sorano's reactions were less than encouraging.

"What?!" the Celestial mage shrieked, making Erik wince in pain at the decibel. "Why would you pair her with the single most destructive moron from a guild full of and renowned for producing such?!"

"B-b-b-b-but... NaLu!" blubbered Meredy, disconsolate.

"I don't know what you were expecting, but you should have gathered that that particular pairing was going to get axed anyway," Macbeth informed the Sensory mage. "That was the last ship on the list - it was always going to get broken up."

"So you _were_ paying attention after all," Erik muttered.

Meredy's sobbing intensified.

"And now she's going to get snot all over me. Good going, Macbeth. Real smart move, there."

"Revenge."

Ignoring all the others, Sorano demanded, "Tell me why Fire-Spouting Walking Disaster is fit in your mind to court my baby sister!"

Despite the harsh tone and words, Kinana knew that Sorano meant none of the vitriol. "Erm. Well, during the Grand Magic Games - you know, right before the Eclipse incident - Yukino was thrown out of her guild, Sabertooth."

" _What?!_ " Sorano sat straight up and snatched the viewing crystal from Erik's hands, bringing it in way too close to her face. "Those ungrateful, unappreciative bastards did _what?!_ "

 _'Uh, oh,'_ Kinana thought. _'What have I just unleashed?'_ Aloud, she explained, "Um... that was back when they had a different Guild Master, and a different guild philosophy, Sorano. Sting apologized for the way the guild treated her, for calling her weak, making her strip in front of everyone and forcing her to remove her guild mark herself..."

As soon as the words left her mouth, Kinana clapped a hand over it. This was going to be bad. She hadn't meant to say all that.

Sure enough, Sorano soon disappeared from sight and the lacrima's image was filled only with the deep blue afternoon sky as it was rendered airborne.

"I'm going to _gut them!_ " screeched the Celestial mage. "Gut them all! I'll show _them_ what weakness _really_ looks like!"

"Calm down, Sorano!" Sawyer yelled, and a muffled _whump_ reached the lacrima - which was still up in the air. "Don't be hasty!"

"Should _you_ really be the one saying that to me?!"

The lacrima landed into an outstretched, dark-skinned palm. Erik brought the object in closer to him. "Sawyer tackled her for her own good. Hold on a second, Cu."

"I didn't mean to upset her so much!" Kinana wailed.

Erik shrugged. "She'll calm down in a minute. Why don't you finish your reasoning? That might help."

"Calm down, Sorano!" Sawyer told the mage out-of-sight. "I doubt Yukino would have gone back to the guild if they weren't genuinely sorry about what happened! She has her pride, after all. Just like you. I'm sure she had good reasons, so just simmer down and listen to Kinana."

"I can't believe she never told you before," Macbeth observed under his breath, loud enough for Kinana to catch, but not Sorano.

Kinana swallowed. "I'm so sorry, Sorano!" she apologized. "I kind of thought you knew already! It's true that all that happened, but their last Guild Master was a real piece of work. Everyone has tried their best to make it up to your sister, I promise! They still feel pretty guilty over the whole thing, too."

"...Let go of me, Sawyer." The tall blonde must have, for Sorano soon crawled back into the lacrima frame. "I'll interrogate them all later. So, where were you going with this? And how does it relate back to the pyro?"

"You see... after all that happened, Yukino came by the inn Fairy Tail was staying at. She tried to give her keys to Lucy, but Lucy refused. She said that since Yukino's spirits loved her, she had no right to take them away."

A small smile touched Sorano's lips. "Remind me to thank her later."

Grateful that her friend was now in a more sedate frame of mind, Kinana went on, "Natsu, after he heard what had happened... well he did the most Natsu thing possible. He ran off and burst into Sabertooth's inn and tried to take down their Guild Master for what he did."

Respect glimmered in Sorano's eyes. "I see."

"Yukino still holds a soft spot for Natsu for that," Kinana finished.

Erik nodded in agreement. "It's true... though I'm interested in how it is that you came by that particular tidbit. I know about her affection for him, of course... but as far I'm aware of she never actually told anyone."

Kinana bit her lip in embarrassment. "Um... once, she got drunk while visiting Fairy Tail and she told me all about it. For some reason, people do that. I don't think she remembered afterward though."

Which brought up the question - should she reveal this for the sake of a game? It brought with it the uncomfortable feeling that she might be betraying Yukino.

Was this all really such a good idea?

"Hmm..." Sorano contemplated all of the new information. "Natsu... might be fine, then. Just for the sake of getting you out of a punishment game, you understand," the Celestial mage lectured. "If he wants to date my sister for real, he'll have to get through my... _questions_... first."

"Understandable."

Kinana was beginning to get rather tired from all of this. She still needed to do her shopping for dinner, so this needed to get wrapped up. "Um… the next ship was Elfman and Evergreen."

"Again, that one's sailing," Erik told her.

"I figured that out already, but thanks, Erik."

He grunted. "So, what are you going to do for it?"

"Be crazy!" Sorano insisted.

Sighing heavily, Kinana shook her head. "I'm coming up blank for this one, I just…" she trailed off. Then she froze as a thought occurred to her. Sitting up straight again, she looked into the lacrima at her friends' expectant gazes. "Wait… I think I know what to do, here!"

Erik waved her on. "Lay it on us, then."

"It's… it's an aesthetic ship!" she squeaked. "Since I don't need to work on justification for this one anyway!"

"We're proud of you!" Meredy declared. "Now tell us!"

"It's… It's Elfman and…"

"Aaaand?"

"…Meredy."

Silence descended upon the others.

Then Meredy, stiff as a board, fell over backwards in a dead faint.

"Meredy!" Sorano cried. "Oh for the love of… She passed out! She seriously fucking passed out!"

"Hey, Cu?" Erik turned the lacrima to face him alone, the rest rushing to the fallen Sensory mage. "How about we leave off there for tonight?"

Kinana nodded weakly. "Sounds good. I hope she'll be alright…? I didn't mean for her to react like that!"

"Oh, she'll be fine, trust me." Erik rolled his indigo eye. "She's nigh indestructible. I'll call you back in a couple of days, alright? We've got an infiltration tomorrow. By which I mean we're storming the local dark guild."

"Good luck," Kinana told him. "Give Meredy my best, and tell her I'm sorry when she comes to?"

"Will do, Cu. Take care."

* * *

 **That was a lot of fun to write.**


End file.
